Clash of the Titans: A Mythological Hot Mess

As much as I dreaded it, I felt I had to see Clash of the Titans to pay homage to my ancestors of ancient Greece.  It's not that I don't like Greek mythology, in fact, I actually find it quite interesting.  However, I was skeptical from the start about how they could recreate and update this epic myth.  Unfortunately, I learned no quantity of Windex can save a bad movie from itself.  Did you know the root of the word Windex is Greek?

In case you didn't have to watch the 1981 Clash of the Titans in 8th grade like I did, the movie is a loose interpretation of the myth of demi-god Perseus, son of Zeus.  Don't ask why I had to watch it, I have no idea.  It was probably my teachers just deciding to stick us in front a t.v. screen to kill a few classes - go public education!  In the 2010 version, the vengeful gods toy with the lives of humans, furious at them for turning their backs on venerating the gods.  Translation - the gods are needy people you should avoid dating.

Meanwhile, Perseus seeks revenge on the murdering Hades which takes him on a journey through the desert and underworld, battling beastly creatures including the snake woman Medusa, who turns men into stone if they stare into her gaze.  Personally, I think she's just clearly angry that she turns off every man she meets and is destined to a life of celibacy.

LIES, ALL LIES!  This version is a mythological hot mess untrue to both the original and the ancient Greek myth.  This watered down, streamlined version attempts to update the story for a 21st century audience, but all that's created is an oozing, ooey, gooey, thick, fat-tastic, nacho cheesy movie that takes itself so seriously it elicits laughs at inappropriate times.  Like when Perseus wraps up a pep talk to his rag tag group of warriors before entering Medusa's lair exclaiming, "now let's kill that bitch!"  Really?  You paid millions of dollars and that's all you could come up with?  The remake may have removed the feathered hairdos and stop motion animation synonymous with the 80's version, but at least that one had an excuse for being so cliche.  I mean we all made mistakes in the 80's - just take a look at my yearbooks.

More than anything, I just found the movie to be boring.  Like shut my eyes for fifteen minutes and still didn't miss a thing boring.  It was heavy on mediocre action and light on the mythology that makes it special, so many of the characters' motives just don't make sense.  Where are all the gods!?  They barely make appearances in the movie!  And what does it say that halfway through the movie I had to try to remember what the point of Perseus' quest even was?   The writing was woeful while the art direction and special effects were nothing to write home about.  Everything just had the feel of "been there, done that...what else you got?"  And the response was, "nothing."  They had nothing else to give.

The acting overall was adequate but there wasn't too much heavy lifting needed, with only two emotions used throughout - angry warrior, and angrier warrior.  Sam Worthington (Avatar) played the main role just fine, obviously watching Russell Crowe in Gladiator to prepare as the resemblance was striking.  I was just pleased to see he could keep the same accent throughout the entire thing, unlike that mess he pulled off in Avatar.  All said and done, Ralph Fiennes as Hades, the God of the Underworld, and Liam Neeson as Zeus, provide a much needed silver lining to the whole movie, playing against one another quite well.

I don't know what's worse, how much I didn't like this movie or the fact that for all its faults, it's still not amongst the worst movies I've seen.  And that may be because 15 minutes after seeing it, you totally forget you even sat through it.  Unmemorable is an understatement.  The best decision I made when seeing Clash of the Titans was not spending the $20 to see it in 3-D.  It's not worth half that.  Obviously there aren't any real mythological gods out there, because if there were they would've unleashed their wrath on this movie.  Alas, as I'm only a mere mortal, all I can do is brand Clash of the Titans a PUT IT IN YOUR NETFLIX QUEUE!