Death at a Funeral, Deadly Boring

If you're headed out to the movies lately, you'll likely be disappointed at the selection.  It's obvious the movie studios are stockpiling their big guns for Memorial Day weekend, because there's nothing out there to watch.  If you're looking for big actors in swashbuckling films, you're out of luck cause they're all on vacation.  Now what I should've done was take this blockbuster downtime as an opportunity to catch up on some smaller, indy films.  But no, stupid me decided to see the remake of the 2007 British cult classic Death at a Funeral.  And quite frankly, I've had more fun at a funeral.  I literally laughed more at my grandmother's funeral than I did at this movie - particularly at that pink, taffeta gown they buried her in, rest her soul.  Poor thing looked like a puff of cotton candy on a stick.

But as an avid fan of the original version, my curiosity got the better of me and drew me into the theater like a moth to a bug light.  I too got zapped.  Death at a Funeral is a movie about the wackiest funeral you've ever attended, full of gay midgets, tripping guests on hallucinogenics and crotchety old relatives.  The original is one of those movies that makes you roll on the floor laughing throughout and ties everything up in a nice, poignant bow at the end.  The remake makes you weep at the fact that an all star cast can't pull off a decent joke and ends just as boring as it began.

First of all, even seeing this movie breaks my cardinal rule of "big all star cast = big fat flop."  What was I thinking?  They lined up every big actor they could, like the boarding of Noah's Ark - Chris Rock, Tracy Morgan, Danny Glover, Martin Lawrence, Luke Wilson, James Marsden, Zoe Saldana - and all that combined acting power could do nothing with a lousy script.  Chris Rock is just boring, Tracy Morgan tries too hard, Luke Wilson has no idea what he's supposed to be doing and Martin Lawrence looks like he just showed up for a pay check.  In this type of farce, the comedy is all about timing and over-exaggeration, obviously neither of which was explained to the cast before filming.

James Marsden provides the only breakout performance of the lot, but that's cause he gets to play the guy hocked up on drugs the entire time.  If you can't make people laugh while supposedly tripping, you really should find another industry to work in.  As an aside, if you're a fan of James Marsden, chances are you'll enjoy this movie, as he's naked throughout half of it.

In truth, it's not really the actors' fault that this movie is so bad - it's the writers who obviously spent a few hours updating the British script and called it a day.  The plot remains so literally lifted from the original and brings nothing new except some awful and outdated comedic writing.  They even took potshots on people like the Bee Gees and Amy Winehouse.  How topical of you, way to stay edgy.  Not to mention how inconsistent and flaw-filled it was.  For example, the family lives in an obviously multi-million dollar home and has more money than I'll ever see, but they scoff at being blackmailed for $30,000.  Puuullease - that's like your property taxes.  No wealthy person would scoff at a $30,000 blackmail before paying it - that's practically a bargain!  Tiger Woods wished it came that cheap!

Moving onward, the pace of the movie is bogged down to a near crawl and the actors seem utterly confused about what the hell is going on.  Ah yes, directing at its worst.  The hardest part of watching this movie, for me, was how much I really did want to enjoy it.  I love the original and the actors they assembled for the remake.  I wanted to like the characters, but I just couldn't connect with them on any level.  Their relationships and back stories are so sloppily explained to the audience that I ended up not even caring who or why they're even at the funeral.  While there may be a few funny parts to this movie, mostly chuckles but some legit belly laughs, they're so few and far between and hardly worth the effort.

I don't love going to funerals, who does, but this was the most painful one I've ever had to sit through - and I didn't even know the deceased!  I beg you Hollywood, when will you learn to stop cherry-picking ideas from the British.  If it's been done, move on and get your own original thought.  Stop trying to take a great British product, run it through the American meat grinder and churn out some nasty sausages.  Seriously.  For the first time ever in TMMC history, I am giving both movies reviewed in one week my lowest rating possible.  Death at a Funeral was just plain dead on arrival, rotting before it even made it to the screen, and so therefore WAIT FOR VHS!